It was easy to let myself be swayed by the noise. And negative influences were all around me, a demoralising work place, friends more concerned with making sure they were prominent in my life – unforgotten – than if they were helping me or not, unwanted attention from strangers. My disassociation was so great that going to work, talking to people, doing anything at all felt like someone else was doing it on my behalf and just relaying the details. So I began by blindly watching through my DVD collection, picking New Girl as my binge of choice, which only helped me feel so much.īehind the medication, the litres of coffee, and the drunken nights, out there was still a very sad, highly disconnected individual. The phone line needed fixing before I could set up an internet connection. The apartment had no television reception. My ex-fiancé and I didn’t have much between us, so he didn’t leave me much a bed, a TV (to be returned eventually), a PS4 (which I paid him out the half he’d spent on it) and my PS3. On one particularly difficult day I walked out of work at 9am on Wednesday morning and didn’t come back until the following Monday. Instead I went to work, lived on coffee and came home to cry. I should have gone back to my psychologists.

I stopped eating and, for the first time in my life, I was put on medication.

Depression set in, harder than it ever had. I was living alone for the first time in my life and not only did I have to accept my relationship was over, I’d lost my best friend. Two weeks into our lease, in a failed moment of judgement, I changed our dynamic and he left. I never took a photo of me wearing the engagement ring, only when I had to remove it because it was giving me a rash.

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